Lords of Science, Convince Me that (Gore’s) Global Warming isn’t just another Narcissistic Leftist Fantasy…
Oh, before you get your hackles up! Yes, I’m sure that things are cooler and warmer and wetter and drier, zone to zone, in parts of the world. Sure I’m sure that the black smoke billowing from sooty brick pipettes into a graying sky since the age of iron industry don’t help none…
But watching Al Gore (Holy Jesus, what (who?) did he eat?) on Maestro Letterman’s late-night pony show Friday (the 23rd of June1), I was whisked back to a place in my adolescence, when I first learned to be afraid of the things the Left wanted me to fear:
At 14, standing in the kitchen, hearing that there was one virus (and nothing else) that was killing some gay men … at 17, hearing that it was now killing all those poor Africans who Sally Struthers had, for years, been trying to help not starve to death… and when I was in my twenties, hearing that if we could just get all those African truck drivers to stop having sex, we’d end AIDS…
And we were told to pray:
Be afraid, wring your hands, wrinkle your forehead, and say a prayer to the benificent Lords of Science, that they might help us figure our way out of it.
In the meanwhile, I was personally unaffected, no matter how much sex I had. Remarkable. Then again, I also managed to eat regularly, not get cholera, TB or malaria, and not drink polluted, shit- and garbage-filled water, unlike so many impoverished African “AIDS” patients2.
But the fear was there, that dark and nebulous fear of sex and death and Africa and strange, foreign diseases. And then I learned to read and pay attention (at the same time), and that fear went away, and was replaced by a distaste for fear-mongering.
And so it was that watching the former Vice-presidential Macy’s Day Parade float Al Gore (come on, man, push back from the table!), that the same old formless and vague, hopelessly-excited, narcissistic fear took hold in my brain, only this time, sex was replaced with water and wind and heat and cold: Oh look at the terrible terrible thing we’ve wrought! Global Warming!
And so, we should pray:
Oh, if only they (the bad Republicans) would understand! Oh, if only we could all just get together and use Hybrids! Oh, Oh, Oh, if ONLY!
And the Lords of Science have spoken, said Gore, in that peculiar drawl: “The De-bae-ayt is Oao-Ver!”
And so we can rest assured that all is well, or at least that it will be, as long as we Hybrid-ize as soon as possible, and buy something with a ….. oh, what color will they make it? A Blue ribbon? With Clouds?
But my distaste asks: Oh really? The debate is over? According to who? Al? Or his cadre of stem cell and human-genome project-futurists, of hormone therapy miracle cures, of thalidomide for immune suppression-revivalists3?
By whom? The makers of such blockbusters like Sars-Wars and Attack of the Sneezing Birds?
The kings of hundred-billion dollar, two-percent correlated (non)cancer-(non)virus shmuckery packaged into adjuvant-laced vaccines stuffed into the asses and arms of little girls of gullible parents? (Tell someone! A virus causes Cancer? No, not really, but take this vaccine, please).
“Really,” asks my distaste? “The debate is Oao-Ver?”
Well, Go-aaally Sarge, I ain’t never got ta read nothin’ ‘bout it yet.
So if you don’t mind, I will ask those in the know to tell me why I should give a flying freniculum about Gore’s latest, “let’s all get scared, and feel superior to the dumb Republicans” self-congratulory liberal bash-a-thon, that is now sending otherwise attractive, nubile young things to my door, asking for MONEY to STOP GLOBAL WARMING!!
(Oh, such a waste… Right at my door, too. If only I could pretend to care…)
And for the record:
- I have done my part to not support the reckless, careless and unrestrained abuse of land and water by industrial animal agriculture by not consuming its products for at least 4/5ths of a Score to date.
- I own no car or motocyclette, and have happily used public transportation since I was a little tiny boy, hey, ho, the wind and the rain…
“But,” says the college student on my doorstep, “the last 19 years have been the hottest of the century, and if we just really work hard now… ”
“So,” I interrupt, “81 out of the last 100 years haven’t been?”
“Well,” she stammers, “I guess … But it’s a problem … and if we do something now….California is the 12th biggest producer of CO2 in the world!”
“Twelfth? What about China, and India? What about what happens when they get cars? China’s going nuclear – pebble-beds – because they want what we have! Cars, prosperity, fast-food! What are you going to do about that?”
She looks deflated, I consider asking her in for tea and seduction, but sympathy takes over.
“Look,” I say, “I’m not going to give any money, but I appreciate your answering questions. I don’t mean it in a bad way, I just don’t know anything about it, and I think that if the earth wants to shake some of us off its back, it will…and there’s not a lot we can do about it.”
She sort of frowns, sort of smiles, our brief fling about to end. Always triste, these summer romances…I say good-bye, the door closes, and I go back to what I was cooking on the natural gas running underground through our city.
Speaking of natural gas, I watched a documentary from the 80s about rural China4, under the first blush of the New Prosperity: Less communism, more capitalism, without the burden of unions or human-rights concerns…
(And you think we’re at war with the Middle East? We’re at war with our own national demise at the hands of our own free-market done one better in The New Prosperity Zones outside of Beijing and in Bangalore.)
The family (in the documentary) were farmers, raising pigs, among other things. They kept the pig shit in a sealed pit, with only a thin pipe jutting out and stretching, stretching….all the way to the kitchen, where, with a turn of a stop-seal at the end of the pipe, and a flick of a match, the stove lit on full methane burn:
Dinner cooked a la pig-poo. Or pig methane, to be clear.
I wonder if that’s what Al has in mind? Ingenious, truly….but the smell!!
So comrades, if you have a clearer take on our Warming Globe, then please provide info to help me (and other readers) understand: What’s really happening, what is likely, what’s known – with papers, citations, etc. Please don’t drop in abstracts like they are arguments, please post titles and link them to full papers or articles where possible and choose excerpts and highlight important bits.
I will read what you post, and will read the linked papers in full. I’m interested in the broad discussion, so you are invited to argue either side, with your evidence, as you are so inclined. Thanks! and a free Slushie to all who participate*. (*certain rules and restrictions apply (there will be no slushies) )
1 Letterman! Uncle Dave, still grumpy after all these years. Just the way we love him.
2 Some clean water, please? Knowing is Beautiful (yours truly, GNN 2005) | AIDS in Africa: In Search of the Truth (Rian Malan, Rolling Stone, 2001) | Kampala in Flood (New Vision 2003) | Kampala’s Soweto (Soweto Monitor)
3 Thalidomide revived ; Putting tax dollars to work and In use | The least stable universal force: the promises of academic medicine. At least as bad as anything coming out of religion. See the shifting sands of AIDS drugs, for example
4 Heart of the Dragon Time-Life video series 1985. If you can find it in your local library or video kiosk, grab it, watch it, it’s incredible.
Also very much worth your time is Beijing or Bust (Films Media Group, 2005) A wonderful video, truly instructive in the future direction of the world marketplace.
And although it belabors its premise excrutiatingly, Frontline’s The Tank Man is great for revealing the burgeoning, booming New China.