LiamScheff.com — The Conspiracy Realist

Report: E.P.A. Designates Forests "Enemies of State."

[A Satire]

– EPA Chief Lisa P. Jackson Puts CO2 On Notice with New Ruling

Today the Environmental Protection Agency’s chief Martinet (official title) Lisa P. Jackson (formerly of Wendy and Lisa, and Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam), has issued orders that Carbon Dioxide, which is what you are breathing out right now, is a deadly pollutant.

Many individuals have been taken by surprise by this official ruling of the Obama administration, including one Terence Wheeler, of Macon County, Georgia, who claims to have been breathing C02 out and in for many years without noticing that he was being poisoned.

– “I did not know that for all these years, I was a criminal and a polluter,” said Mr. Wheeler, after re-education.

But criminalization of this deadly poisonous toxic pollutant that is responsible for all acts of terrorist weather, as well as AIDS, is just the beginning for EPA super-agent Jackson.

Said Mrs. Jackson to the packed hall of reporters, “While it is well known, and I quote, that ‘climate change could reduce income from farming and fishing, possibly driving some women into sex work and thereby increase HIV infection,’ we must take an even larger step than preventing people from having sex, to stop global warming.”

- AP – Mrs. Jackson during the press conference, sending underling out for another ‘samwhich.’

No, says Mrs. Jackson, “We’ve got to clean up our acts, and that means going through our closets and finding all the dresses that don’t fit, and whether we like it or not, or think that one day we might squeeze into them again…what was I saying? Oh, yes. We’ve got to throw out those old clothes and old relationships, and start anew.” Said agent Jackson, with a mouthful of hostess devil’s food cake.

“And that’s why we’ve got to cut down the forests of the world.” She told a stunned, but quickly compliant audience.

Following the conference, the EPA issued a formal declaration, explaining that forests were now an ‘Enemy of the State.’ From the briefing:

“Because trees and plants take in C02 and turn it into oxygen, they must be considered enemies of the state, for co-dependently facilitating global warming by not preventing us from stopping production of C02.”

- “Co-dependent forests must be held accountable,” says new EPA ruling.

Several reporters asked the EPA for clarification, at which point they were arrested and moved to an undisclosed location, in Cuba, where it has been reported by insiders, “several accidentally brutally hung themselves from the windows of their holding rooms, while trying to pen recantations and confessions.”

This report has been made possible by the Obama Administration, which wants you to know, that the only thing to fear, is fear of not listening and listening closely to all we say and do not say.