Iranian Commandos Kill Terrorist, Keep Details to Themselves

Report: Iran kills terrorist Dick-al-bin-Cheney, in undisclosed location in unknown region of unheard of country.

TNN News: Iranian commandos have apprehended and killed long-sought terrorist mastermind, O-Dick-al-bin-Cheney, in an undisclosed location in an unknown region of an unheard of country in the Middle East.

Details of the raid are being kept secret “to keep Iranians safe from a KBR-Halliburton retaliation,” according to Iranian intelligence.

Iran’s highly trained “Team Allah X7” are claimed to have hunted the criminal terrorist who masterminded at least two illegal foreign wars, leaving hundreds of thousands dead, and world economies in tatters.

Despite the fact that the commandos were all wearing high-definition cameras in their turban-helmets, no video images will be released, because, as Iranian spokesman said, “It would be too upsetting for people to see someone who’d been shot in a photo, or on television. Because, after all, that never happens, not even in fiction,  not even on the ‘Great Satan’ America’s highest-rated and most-watched crime dramas. People just wouldn’t know what to do with themselves if they saw violence on television. We all agree, we must be protected from such an eventuality.”

President Barack Obama agreed with the statement issued by Iran. At a press conference, he (or one of his robot clones) stated, “With this, we can all find a place of agreement in a turbulent world. Never, ever, ever, can people be permitted to see violence on television.”

It was released in a press briefing that al-bin-Cheney’s body was put into a rocket ship and shot directly into the Sun, “to avoid any further retaliation from the al-bin-Cheney brotherhood,” said an official Iranian news release on Twitter.

Stay tuned for more news as it’s invented by intelligence agencies, here on TNN, the Truth News Network.

Liam

2 Comments

  1. But sending al-bin-Cheney’s corpse up in a rocket is very expensive. Why didn’t they drop the corpse into the ocean? That would have been cheaper, guarantee that no one (except the fish, of course) would see the corpse and be shocked, and would equally inflame Moslem feelings, cause riots, etc.

    P.S. Shall I forward this to other concerned/informed citizens—or have you already done so?

  2. In related news:

    http://www.galacticempiretimes.com/2011/05/09/galaxy/outer-rim/obi-wan-kenobi-is-killed.html

    “Kenobi and a group of his followers were eventually captured while fleeing the system, and taken aboard the Death Star, which was in the midst of surveying the recent environmental disaster on Alderaan. Darth Vader called it a “targeted operation,” although officials said four tie fighters were lost because of “mechanical failures” and had to be destroyed to keep them from falling into hostile hands.

    In addition to Kenobi, two men and one wookiee were killed, one believed to be his young apprentice and the other two his couriers, according to an admiral who briefed reporters under Imperial ground rules forbidding further identification. A woman was killed when she was used as a shield by a male combatant, the Admiral said. Two droids were also reported missing.

    “No Stormtroopers were seriously harmed,” Lord Vader said. “They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, I defeated my former master and took custody of his body.” Jedi tradition requires burial within 24 hours, but by doing it in deep space, Imperial authorities presumably were trying to avoid creating a shrine for his followers.”

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