Challenging Scientism

Well, he certainly doesn’t stop it.

I managed to fast-forward through his…filmstrip (I certainly didn’t see any movement on-screen. How about a pamphlet, guy)? I mean, how long do you have to take to say:

• “This is the glacier ten years ago.” (_shows glacier_)

• “This is the glacier now.” (_no more glacier_).

Ooooooooooohhhh Goes the audience. Melty.

Why do I feel that everytime I see the guy, he’s solely occupied with proving that:

1) He’s not boring.

2) There really is global warming.

Proof for the first point tends to go to jokes:
“People say I’m boorrring, so I’ll make a joke about hooow boring I ammm, to show you I know that I’m boooorrrring, which will shoooww that I’mmm nooooottt boorrrrrrrrrriiiiiinnnngggggg.”

Hey, asshole, non-vote counting puss, you’re still boring. Don’t worry about it, just pick up the f-ing pace.

Proof for point two is not needed.

This is the classic liberal cock-up. You know something, you have proof, or at least good evidence, and you take it to the group of people who hate you most and are least likely to believe you no matter what you say, do, or donate, and beg and plead with them to just please believe you.

Al, I can solve your problem.
You and your apple-computer toting buddies (_who wasted how much jet-fuel and money on that slide-show, I don’t know_) really do not understand Americans.

You’re predicting that many major cities will flood, drown, hurricane, tornado, drought, dry, burn or starve if what you predict (big climate shift) comes to pass.

I’m going to make this very easy for you. Ready?
You’re Right.

You are correct.

That’s what’s going to happen (if you’re modeling is accurate).

There you are. Now shut up, and build an ark. Or what? What do expect your average movie-goer to do? Well, here’s what you had to offer.
At the end of your movie, you suggest things people can do to help stop the problem, such as:

• Recycling. (_no, really, recycling_)

• Driving less.

• Driving a Hybrid!

• Calling your Congressman.

• Running for Congress.

Now we know everything we need to, to understand how and why Al Gore lost the election that he won.
It’s because he’s a moron. An idealistic, foolish dope who happens to understand a little about weather.

The problem we’re facing isn’t due to non-recycled bottles of aspirin or Juicy-Juice or Snack-Cheez. It’s not due to the fact that we drive a little too often. It’s not due to the fact that more people don’t call or write their Congressman.

It’s due to something called The American Way of Life, which we believe entitles every man, woman and child to:

• A free personal-pan-pizza with every regular-sized pizza ordered

• Package and courier mail delivered daily and hourly to your doorstep by cargo truck

• Coffee, bananas and cocao provided by jet and underpaid tropical labor to the citizens of every town and village from Washington State to Washington, D.C.

• Televisions the size of your thumbnail flown and barged in from that environmental wonder-kind, China, and paid for by the wages earned by moms and dads working in local family stores like Wal-Mart and Best-Buy, in exchange for the US Treasury Bills that are helping China to buy us wholesale.

(*And where is your sense, man*! Not a freaking comment about factory farming? About manure run-off, pesticide and petroleum use in keeping your fat ass in McDingleberries? Dumb ass.)

Recycle? Hybrid? Run for Congress?!!

It makes you wonder how Gore survived in politics as long as he did, with such a poor understanding of American economy, (_Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations, as per Bill Clinton_) and by extension, the economy of the world?
What’s gonna stop us from eating, wanting, using, consuming, and abusing the world we live in and all of its resources?

Gore says it, but he doesn’t get it.

About halfway through the Global Warming slide-show filmstrip, Gore tells the sad story of his sister, who died, he says, from lung cancer caused by a crop which his family grew – tobacco – cigarettes.
After her loss, he says, the family got out of the business; but it took her death to do it. (_Gore kept taking money from tobacco companies, but hey, you know, he’s a political douchebag_).

His point: It takes a great loss, an irretrievable loss, to change a deeply-ingrained behavior. And even then, it might not change.

Point taken. I agree. That’s human nature.

That’s why most people (who want to continue to feed themselves and their families), will continue to:

• Drive their cars to and from work, the post-office, the corner grocery and the end of the block

• Pick up that extra pesticide and hormone-stuffed personal-pan triple-bypass pizza

• Guzzle plastic from the grossly laden South-Asian cargo ships

• And swill pharmaceuticals to suppress their pangs of aching humanity, until the flood comes.

But I said I had a solution. And I do. Here it is:

Make Disaster Movies About Global Warming.

Yes, we’ve had a couple, and they all did pretty well.

So here’s what we need – a movie, “based on expert testimony” about the ruination of any of the big cities on your death-map. Pick one, oh, let’s say…
Miami, where we follow a plucky Cuban refugee hip-hop/salsa dancer who really wants to make it to the big time in New York, but finds that both Miami and New York are…

…get this…

Under Water!
So she has to take it to Iowa! Where hurricanes – Yes, Hurricanes, are battering Des Moines!

But she, Cuban refugee, has plenty of experience with hurricanes, and remembers (_because her papa taught her_) how to build the ramparts to keep the walls from crumbling, and how to properly tape cardboard and nail wood to windows…
Get where I’m going?

And she saves the day! And teaches Des Moines to Dance, Dance, Dance!

I see Jessica Alba as la Cubana, Topher Grace as the awkward Des Moinian who learns to love the rumba, I see J-Lo…or, better, Madonna, in flashback, as her mother, stranded in that murderous Fidel’s Cuba. We’ll call it “Blue Miami“, or “Hurricane! Tango!”
But whatever you call it, you know what I see?

Dollars! Bling, Bling, Ring-a-Ding-Ding, Merry Christmas. (send my check via Western Union, thanks).

Hey, I got a million of them:

Hopeful American Idol contestant forced out of rain-flooded Los Angeles flees to Fresno, where he (or she, don’t forget sequels) runs into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, who are fleeing drought-plagued Salt Lake City. Magic ensues as the young singer teaches the choir a thing or two about Spirit!
Hey, Hillary Duff’s not doing anything! Give her a call, Ally-boy!

Time-travelling teen-aged whiz-kid travels back to 1800s to try to stop the Industrial Revolution, but learns that altering the time-line caused whacky mix-ups in the future! Find me 2007’s Doogie Howser!

Dogged, never-say-die class-action lawyer sues Ozonosphere for endangering human race. Travolta plays lawyer and, in voice-over, Ozone-layer. Call it, “A More Perfect Sky.”

See how easy it is? And you don’t have to convince anyone of anything.

You just make a saleable, low/medium-grade product, sell it at the insanely inflated going rate, and reap the benefits for your own use!
It’s the American Way!

And what do you do with the money? Well, you super-genius, you do what you want us to do:

That is, figure out where it’s going to be livable, and go there, and build an eco-village, big enough for a thousand people, where living spaces, kitchens, bathrooms are shared; where the residents do the farming, work, labor, and upkeep.
And then you build another, and another. And you get major investors to back the movies, and the eco-project, and you sell a few spots to worried billionaires, and spend what you over-charge them on making room for the survivors, who are sure to be swimming your way, sooner or later. (Because you’re such a humanitarian).

So until then, please stop bothering me with television appearances and long, boring lectures that offer nothing real in terms of advice or solution. Because you’re just adding to all the hot air.