Comments for Liam's Daily... http://liamscheff.com/daily Thoughts*Activities*Reading*Research*Ideas-in-Process*Works-in-Progress Thu, 28 Aug 2008 01:56:46 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.1 Comment on Cedu Documentary - Cedu Raps and the Synanon Game by Heather http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8327 Heather Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:05:50 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8327 I did a rough estimate the other day... and I have been in greater than or equal to 360 raps over a 30 month period. This is taking into account home visits and other misc that "may" have taken me out of the regular cycle. Not including propheets... we all know what went down in the early AM in those. That's almost an entire year. That's how often we actually suffered through this crap. Can you imagine if the gave you the option to get your raps out of the way and you could attend one everyday for 360 days. I do not think there is any kind of recovery for that. I did a rough estimate the other day… and I have been in greater than or equal to 360 raps over a 30 month period. This is taking into account home visits and other misc that “may” have taken me out of the regular cycle.

Not including propheets… we all know what went down in the early AM in those.

That’s almost an entire year. That’s how often we actually suffered through this crap.

Can you imagine if the gave you the option to get your raps out of the way and you could attend one everyday for 360 days.

I do not think there is any kind of recovery for that.

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - Cedu Raps and the Synanon Game by Liam http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8326 Liam Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:34:13 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8326 That's really excellently done, that's a very good telling of the experience. The reality that you are getting at so clearly is that we were meant to loudly debase, humiliate and really excoriate ourselves quite publicly, week after week, day after day, for a number of years in these programs. I can reflect that it took me several years to stop being so very forthcoming (what Cedu called "honest") with people I did not know. I am a terribly honest person by nature, almost transparently so at times - the impetus and encouragement to be biliously honest, to forgo all screening of material, to find the most denigrating, awful idea that might be passing through my thoughts, and to choose that for public broadcast? Just a kind of regular suicide and torture. They taught us to beat ourselves; that was the operational aspect of controlling our will - Why else did we all not foment rebellion? Fear of authority, most certainly - but this purging cycle, this self-villainization/victimization and self-torture cycle - what mental room does it leave for defiance? I personally remember being hung up on a peg and beaten like a pinanta every time I offered resistance to some aspect of the program. I was always somewhat-to-quite rebellious and critical-thinking/analytical by nature; under stress I become quite argumentative - it would've been typified as 'contrarian,' and 'attention-seeking' at Cedu. But I think it was my personal impulse to critical thinking trying to come to the surface, having been drowned in a sea of bullshit - that is, the absolute insanity that were the ten thousand unwritten rules of Cedu, coupled with the chronic drive to the raps to purge oneself of all impulse. As is made clear by the Synanon writing, this was the purpose of the program - the create identity schisms. To split and divide a person from their impulses - we might say, to 'brainwash.' Why? Because these were heroin addicts, and the program grew organically out of a brutal and short method by which a massive psychological calamity could be created and imposed on these addicts; a great drama is created that acts to sideline them from their chronic condition. What effect did it have on the slightly depressed, often neglected, often abused but quite middle and upper economic class children who got sent to these programs, by their often narcissistic, often alcohol and drug-abusing parents? It certainly produced trauma. Where it seemed to give catharsis, I'd say it was a fleeting, momentary one, followed by a re-flooding of these 'negative' impulses - some of which were negative self-identities, such as those developed in childhood among neglected and abused children. Other 'negative thoughts' we were meant to purge in the process described in your writing - the true callings of our most certain and private selves - The desire to run away, the desire to be with family, to have a caring family, to be with real friends, to have sex (to be allowed to be sexually appropriate for our age and development), the desire to hit someone (a staff member) who is cruelly and invasively provoking you with secrets you've given up in other Cedu experiences - These are normal, understandable impulses - and all of these were given up, flushed out, chronically, weekly, daily - in these raps, in 'dirt lists,' like so much pus from a wound. I should say, this is how it was for me, certainly. After the Cedu experience, I discovered that regular or normative "talk-therapy," as is conducted by psychologists and psychiatrists, while varying greatly in style and quality, never resembles this psychological stone-and-acid washing such that we received and re-enacted at Cedu. True talk therapy was quite pleasant by comparison; it was calm, allowed understanding, subtle gain of insight according to what the mind, soul and spirit will accommodate at at time; the hammer is put away, and my own actual impulses, deeper thoughts, feelings both hidden and apparent, were able to find a subtler, and entirely more useful and liberating expression. I was also amazed and grateful to find that actual psychologists - at least the good ones - have in mind the normal and studied course of childhood and adolescent development, and in discussion, have a framework in mind that is reflective of a studied, observed reality - the organic reality of human beings in healthy and compromised development - and that this understanding acts as a guide, as markings on a highway, and as a basis for contrast and comparison - which they can share with you to help illuminate self-growth, understanding, forgiveness, rightful anger, and all the rest. A final thought here - the 'running of anger' was always so silly, because what I really wanted to do, when I was truly angry, was hit something. And when I got out of Cedu, and I got the Cedu out of me, that's just what I did. Going to martial arts - a very direct and not very 'artful version' - was probably the best thing I ever did in my life, in terms of channeling, understanding and productively using anger, or really, just a desire to know how to use my body, to fight if necessary, to train in fighting enough so as to understand my strengths, weaknesses, and limits. Why did Cedu forbid all martial arts training? Imagine a school where they torture you like that, but also train you to fight for yourself? We'd have overthrown our adult masters, if they'd let us access that part of ourselves. That’s really excellently done, that’s a very good telling of the experience.

The reality that you are getting at so clearly is that we were meant to loudly debase, humiliate and really excoriate ourselves quite publicly, week after week, day after day, for a number of years in these programs. I can reflect that it took me several years to stop being so very forthcoming (what Cedu called “honest”) with people I did not know.

I am a terribly honest person by nature, almost transparently so at times - the impetus and encouragement to be biliously honest, to forgo all screening of material, to find the most denigrating, awful idea that might be passing through my thoughts, and to choose that for public broadcast? Just a kind of regular suicide and torture. They taught us to beat ourselves; that was the operational aspect of controlling our will -

Why else did we all not foment rebellion? Fear of authority, most certainly - but this purging cycle, this self-villainization/victimization and self-torture cycle - what mental room does it leave for defiance?

I personally remember being hung up on a peg and beaten like a pinanta every time I offered resistance to some aspect of the program. I was always somewhat-to-quite rebellious and critical-thinking/analytical by nature; under stress I become quite argumentative - it would’ve been typified as ‘contrarian,’ and ‘attention-seeking’ at Cedu. But I think it was my personal impulse to critical thinking trying to come to the surface, having been drowned in a sea of bullshit - that is, the absolute insanity that were the ten thousand unwritten rules of Cedu, coupled with the chronic drive to the raps to purge oneself of all impulse.

As is made clear by the Synanon writing, this was the purpose of the program - the create identity schisms. To split and divide a person from their impulses - we might say, to ‘brainwash.’ Why? Because these were heroin addicts, and the program grew organically out of a brutal and short method by which a massive psychological calamity could be created and imposed on these addicts; a great drama is created that acts to sideline them from their chronic condition.

What effect did it have on the slightly depressed, often neglected, often abused but quite middle and upper economic class children who got sent to these programs, by their often narcissistic, often alcohol and drug-abusing parents?

It certainly produced trauma. Where it seemed to give catharsis, I’d say it was a fleeting, momentary one, followed by a re-flooding of these ‘negative’ impulses - some of which were negative self-identities, such as those developed in childhood among neglected and abused children. Other ‘negative thoughts’ we were meant to purge in the process described in your writing - the true callings of our most certain and private selves -

The desire to run away, the desire to be with family, to have a caring family, to be with real friends, to have sex (to be allowed to be sexually appropriate for our age and development), the desire to hit someone (a staff member) who is cruelly and invasively provoking you with secrets you’ve given up in other Cedu experiences -

These are normal, understandable impulses - and all of these were given up, flushed out, chronically, weekly, daily - in these raps, in ‘dirt lists,’ like so much pus from a wound.

I should say, this is how it was for me, certainly.

After the Cedu experience, I discovered that regular or normative “talk-therapy,” as is conducted by psychologists and psychiatrists, while varying greatly in style and quality, never resembles this psychological stone-and-acid washing such that we received and re-enacted at Cedu. True talk therapy was quite pleasant by comparison; it was calm, allowed understanding, subtle gain of insight according to what the mind, soul and spirit will accommodate at at time; the hammer is put away, and my own actual impulses, deeper thoughts, feelings both hidden and apparent, were able to find a subtler, and entirely more useful and liberating expression.

I was also amazed and grateful to find that actual psychologists - at least the good ones - have in mind the normal and studied course of childhood and adolescent development, and in discussion, have a framework in mind that is reflective of a studied, observed reality - the organic reality of human beings in healthy and compromised development - and that this understanding acts as a guide, as markings on a highway, and as a basis for contrast and comparison - which they can share with you to help illuminate self-growth, understanding, forgiveness, rightful anger, and all the rest.

A final thought here - the ‘running of anger’ was always so silly, because what I really wanted to do, when I was truly angry, was hit something. And when I got out of Cedu, and I got the Cedu out of me, that’s just what I did. Going to martial arts - a very direct and not very ‘artful version’ - was probably the best thing I ever did in my life, in terms of channeling, understanding and productively using anger, or really, just a desire to know how to use my body, to fight if necessary, to train in fighting enough so as to understand my strengths, weaknesses, and limits.

Why did Cedu forbid all martial arts training? Imagine a school where they torture you like that, but also train you to fight for yourself? We’d have overthrown our adult masters, if they’d let us access that part of ourselves.

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - Cedu Raps and the Synanon Game by Liam http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8325 Liam Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:33:22 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8325 <i>I'm posting the second half of "Awake's" treatment of the Cedu Rap. It is accurate and harrowing - remember this was three-times weekly for most of 2.5 years:</i> http://www.fornits.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=25715&p=314152#p314119 <b>In the next room over an entirely different situation was taking place.</b> <b>Sandy: </b>“I bet you really watch what you eat dontcha. I know what it’s like to try and throw up hard foods like chips. No, you go for a piece of fruit or something soft so it comes up easier. Why are you sitting like that!?” <b>Sheila: </b>“Like what?” <b>Sandy: </b>“Like what?” Sandy mimicked Sheila’s pointless defense. “You’ve got your arms crossed across your chest. You’re not taking any of this seriously are you?” A girl, Tristen, got up and sat across from Sheila. <b>Tristen: </b>“Ya. You are being really defensive. Don’t pretend you don’t have a problem cuz believe me I know. I used to make myself throw up so much that my finger wouldn’t work for me anymore. It got so bad I had to roll up newspapers to stick down my throat or I wouldn’t be able to throw up.” <b>Sandy: </b>“How do you do it Sheila? Do you use your finger? Or do you just know how to make yourself do it without anything? That was how I did it. I was so good at it I didn’t even have to use a finger. I bet you do it that way too dontcha.” Sandy, now speaking, leaned forward and looked at Sheila who still sat with her arms crossed. “Heellloooo!!!!! Are you listening at all?!” Sheila made no response. “Y’know what, if you’re not willing to work on yourself we’re not going to waste our time with you! It’s your choice. You can sit at your table and waste time or you can choose to get something positive from it.” <b>Tristen: </b>“Can I just say one last thing? For me this was a really tough issue to deal with and I’m still dealing with it and it makes me sad to watch you sit there and not confront your issues. I really want to be there to support you, but you aren’t even trying to work on yourself.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Work on herself? She won’t even admit she HAS A PROBLEM!!! It’s time for you to get real!” <b>Tristen: </b>“Can I say something?” <b>Sandy: </b>“NO! She’s wasting our time! Let’s let some other people talk in here.” “Randy you wanted to go. Go.” Randy got up and took a place across from Eric. <b>Randy: </b>“Eric I think you should be watching who you spend your time with. It wasn’t very long ago that you broke the sex agreement and you and Alison are hangin out a lot.” <b>Eric: </b>“What are you talking about we’ve only been off bans for like two weeks!” <b>Randy: </b>“Yeah well you guys are still together a lot.” <b>Eric: </b>“Yea. When…” <b>Randy: </b>“I’m not done!” Randy wasn’t about to let Marla cut him off. “I mean nothing may be going on but it still looks that way and you should be paying attention to that.” “Yea it’s like I totally see you going right back to your shit. You and your friends are really clicky. Ever since you got off bans it’s like you went right back to your old image. Once you get around them you get really sarcastic and fast and…..” “There’s red flags going up all around you Eric! This is the same behavior that got you in trouble in the first place!” <b>Sandy: </b>“Can you really not see what these people are saying?” <b>Eric: </b>“No I can see what they’re saying. I’ve just spent a lot of time with them cuz we were on bans, but I hear what they’re saying.” <b>Sandy: </b>“I hope so.” Sandy sat back in her chair and held her gaze on Eric. “Consider this a warning Eric.” (Sandy ends with Eric and focuses on Devin) <b>Sandy: </b>“Does someone else want to go? Devin. I haven’t heard from you in awhile how are you?” <b>Devin: </b>“Not that great I guess.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Why not that great?” <b>Devin: </b>“I don’t know I’ve been getting frustrated lately. I was made a dormhead a couple weeks ago and I just don’t like it.” <b>Sandy: </b>“What are you saying you can’t handle the responsibility?” <b>Devin: </b>“No it’s not that I just… I’m having a hard time I guess and I feel like I have enough to deal with….” Sandy took over. “So what’s really goin on? Your problems are much deeper than just being a dormhead aren’t they?” Devin leaned forward. <b>Luke:</b> “C’mon man I know you’ve been having a hard time lately.”“We’ve talked before so I know we’ve got some of the same issues.” (Luke is a friend of Devin) Devin didn’t hesitate. “Fuuuuck! FUUUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIIIIT!! FUCK THIS BULLSHIT SCHOOL! FUCK BEING A FUCKING DORMHEAD! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ON MANN’S FUCKING TEAM YOU FUCKING PRICK FUUUUUCK!” <b>Sandy: </b>“That’s it! What’s really goin on Devin!” <b>Devin: </b>“I fucking HATE IT HERE! I’M FUCKING STUCK IN THIS STUPID HOLE! YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU’LL NEVER HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND YOU UGLY FUCKING FUCK! FUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUUUCK YOOOUUU!” <b>Sandy: </b>“There’s more there Devin! C’mon get….” <b>Devin: </b>“FUUUUCK! FUUUUCK! I FUCKING HATE YOU! FUUUUCK!” <b>Sandy: </b>“That’s right! Go for broke Devin!” <b>Devin: </b>“FUUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I HATE YOU FOR SENDING ME HERE YOU STUPID FUCKS! FUUUUCK YOU GOD YOU FUCKING FUCK! I HATE MY PARENTS! I HATE MYSELF YOU FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING STAND THIS FUCKING PLACE ANYMORE! FUUUUUUCK!” -- “FUUUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOU! GODAMNIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!” Just then Julie began screaming as well, her voice a high pitched screeching diminishing his lower toned voice. <b>Julie: </b>“FUUCK YOU GODAMNIT!” <b>Sandy: </b>“That’s it Julie what are you saying to yourself right now!” <b>Julie: </b>“I’M FUCKING PATHETIC! I’M A FUCKING PATHETIC FREAK! I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MAN! MY HANDS ARE FUCKING HUGE! LOOK AT MY FUCKING HUGE FUCKING HANDS! I’M A DISGUSTING FREAK! FUUUUUUCK YOOOUUUU! FUUUUCK!” At this point Sandy could barely be heard over the two of them. <b>Sandy: </b>“You bet Julie! What’s it like to hold that judgement on yourself day after day!” <b>Julie: </b>“IT FUCKING SUUCKS! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS! FUUUCK YOU YOU DIGUSTING FREAK!” <b>Sandy: </b>“What’s it like to let those judgements control you! What’s it like to live your lie every day!!” Sandy barely finished the sentence before Julie let out a defening scream. <b>Julie: </b>“AAAAAAAAA!FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUCK! I HATE YOU! FUUUUUCK!” Devin’s screams began to subside and Julie was fairly close behind. “Fuck! Fu-hu-huuuck!” <b>Sandy: </b>“Yeah.” Sandy said to Julie. “It’s hard to hold those judgements against you all the time isn’t it?” <b>Julie: </b>“Yes! FuUUCK!” <b>Sandy: </b>“What’s your truth Julie?” Julie only responded by crying harder. <b>Sandy: </b>“You’re thinking about it right now Julie, what is it?” Julie began crying hard. <b>Julie: </b>“Innoce-e-ent.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Yeah. Innocent. You are innocent. How does your truth feel?” <b>Julie: </b>“It f-feels goo-hood.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Yeah. It feels good doesn’t it? Why don’t you let that in more? You know your truth yet you choose to ignore it. How about you Devin? What’s your truth?” <b>Devin: </b>“I’m Honest.” Devin had recouperated somewhat. <b>Sandy: </b>“Yeah. Honest. Just feel that feeling. <b>Sandy: </b>What about you Sheila What’s your truth?!” Sheila was still sitting in the same position…her arms crossed her chest. She said nothing. <b>Sandy: </b>“You can’t even say it can you? Are you so deep in your lie you can’t even say your truth outloud?” Sheila made a sour face at that and shook her head slightly. <b>Sheila: </b>“It’s beautiful.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Yeah….beautiful. What’s so hard about that. Is that hard to hear? That you’re beautiful?” Sheila bent foreward and screamed at the top of her lungs. <b>Sheila: </b>“FUUUUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH I FUCKING HAAATE YOOOUUUU!” <b>Sandy: </b>“That’s exactly right isn’t it Sheila. What have you been holding back on this whole time?!” <b>Sheila: </b>“I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! YOU FUCKING BITCH!” <b>Sandy: </b>“Why is it so hard to hear that you’re beautiful? It must feel pretty bad if you can’t even listen to your truth! Or are living your lie?!” <b>Sheila: </b>“FUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID BITCH!” Sheila continued on her tyrade. “I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH!.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Your truth is so far away from you right now. How far away from beautiful are you right now Sheila?!” <b>Sheila: </b>“FUUUUUUCK YOOOOU! FUUUUU-HUUU-HUUUUCK! YOU STUPID SLUT! YOU GODDAMN BITCH!” Sandy withheld any comments for a minute while Sheila continued screaming in a rage. <b>Sandy: </b>“How long were you going to hold onto that? How long were you planning on waiting before you showed us how you really feel?” <b>Sheila: </b>“FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING SLUT! FUUUUUUUCK!” <b>Sandy: </b>“What are you feeling right now Sheila?” <b>Sheila: </b>“I’M FUCKING PISSED OFF! GODAMN I’M SOOO FUUUUCKIING PIIISSED!” <b>Sandy: </b>“Of course your pissed off. There’s a lot for you to be pissed off about. What are you pissed at?” <b>Sheila: </b>“GODAMN FUUUUCK! I’M PISSED AT FUCKING EVERYTHING!” <b>Sandy: </b>“Like what?” <b>Sheila: </b>“I’M PISSED AT FUCKING DISHES, I’M PISSED AT MY TABLE, I’M PISSED I HAVE TO GO INTO EVERY FUCKING RAP AND TALK ABOUT THIS EVERY FUCKING TIME! FUUUUCK!” Sandy had become quite calm as she spoke to Sheila. “ <b>Sandy: </b>Who are you really pissed at then Sheila?” Sheila grabbed the hair on top of her head. <b>Sheila: </b>“FUUUUUUCK! GODAMN FUUUUCKING FUUUUCK!” <b>Sandy: </b>“C’mon Sheila! You know the answer to this. Who are you really pissed at! Who’s making themself throw up in the bathroom?! Who is it Sheila?!” <b>Sheila: </b>“FUUUCK I’M PISSED AT MY FUCKING SELF! FUUUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SLUT! YOU FUCKING BITCH!” <b>Sandy: </b>“Yea. You’re pissed at yourself. What is it like to be so angry with yourself?” Sheila finally began to cry, her rage having wiped out her energy. She bawled so deeply she could not speak. <b>Sandy: </b>“It must be hard to be that mad at yourself. Y’know you ARE beautiful you just choose to cover it up. Can you say that about yourself? Can you say I am beautiful?” Sheila cried harder and pressed her palms over her eyes while facing the floor. <b>Sheila: </b>“fu-huUCK YOU!” <b>Sandy: </b>“I am beautiful. You can do it Sheila……. I am beautiful.” <b>Sheila: </b>“I a-am beautifu-ul.” Sheila continued crying. <b>Sandy: </b>“You better believe it! Of course you are.” The room was quiet and Sheila sat doubled over her lap still weeping. <b>Sandy: </b>“You just stay in that place for awhile ok? Stay with beautiful.” <b>Luke:</b> “Can I say something?” <b>Sandy: </b>“Sure, go ahead Luke.” <b>Luke:</b> “Umm Devin. I have a lot of the same judgements as you and I just want to say I hope you know you can come talk to me any time man.” <b>Devin: </b>“Thanks man. I will.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Ok who’s next.” The room was silent. <b>Sandy: </b>“C’mon I know there’s people that have other people to talk to in here.” Calvin and Brad both raised their hands then quickly pointed at one another as if to say ‘It’s ok you go ahead’. <b>Sandy: </b>“Pick someone already! Brad!Go!” Brad breathed a sigh as he got up to switch his seat. <b>Brad: </b>“Ok this isn’t like a huge deal but Thomas you were like barely working on dinner dishes last night. We asked to get checked off but your section was never complete. I had to help you finish your job so we could go. So I’m just saying it’s cool but next time hopefully you can work a little harder.” Next to Brad Ellie joined in. <b>Ellie:</b> “I’ve been on dishes with you the last three nights and you are ALWAYS slacking off. When you sweep and mop you don’t even get all the way under the tables and theres always food left underneath.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Thomas! Jeez are you kidding me!” Sandy gave Thomas a stern look. “You have been on dishes SO many times I couldn’t even count. Does someone really need to show you how to do your job again?” <b>Thomas: </b>“No I know how to I just missed some stuff.” Ellie was quick to comment. <b>Ellie:</b> “That is total bullshit! You are totally cutting corners on dishes all the time!” <b>Thomas: </b>“Whaaat are you serious?” <b>Ellie:</b> “What do you mean am I serious! We were seriously there at least a half hour more because of you.” <b>Brad: </b>“I agree with Ellie.” Brad again chimed in. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather spend my time in the house. I really don’t see why you’d do a half assed job when you could just do it right and be done.” Sandy rolled her eyes. <b>Sandy: </b>“How many times are we gonna go through this Thomas? I’m serious how many times do you have to hear the same feedback over and over and over? I’m getting really tired of hearing this every time I’m in a rap with you. Can you just get it together please so I don’t have to hear this anymore?” <b>Thomas: </b>“Yes” <b>Sandy: </b>“Yes I will work harder on dishes!?” <b>Thomas: </b>“Yes I will work harder on dishes.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Thank you. I assume you’re on dishes tonight?” <b>Thomas: </b>“Yes.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Good.” <b>Sandy: </b>“Calvin you wanted to go next?” <b>Calvin: </b>“Yeah Ellie. I heard you and Mandi popping off while you were carrying the trash to the dumpster on dishes last night.” <b>Marla: </b>“Yea. I catch you guys popping off in the house too.” Ellie squinted her eyes and looked at Marla. <b>Ellie:</b> “When did I ever pop off in the house?” <b>Marla: </b>“Well your not totally popping off but you totally cut corners. I hear you guys humming…..” <b>Ellie:</b> “Whatever Marla! You are the biggest look good ever! You’re always looking for an excuse to indict someone!” Calvin then got up and sat next to Ellie. <b>Calvin: </b>“To tell you the truth this is pissing me off too. You’re always following someone else’s indictment. Why aren’t you ever the first to indict somebody yet you always have something to say.” <b>Marla: </b>“I really don’t understand how that makes me a look good.” Julie got up and sat across from Marla. <b>Julie: </b>“Please. You know you’re a look good. You pull people up for the lamest shit. You even tell the guys to tuck their shirts in more if their just barely hanging over their belts. I just have a hard time believing anything you say because there’s no way you really have a problem with that stuff. You’re just trying to look good……. An hour and fifteen minutes left to go and yet another rap, in the building just up from the main house, was taking place. <b>Jessie:</b> “Ok guys there’s something we really need to get to today and that is Stephen. You guys know he’s been on a full time for the last week aaaand he’s there because he decided it was ok to go through the I want to live dirty aaaaand …. Well he wants to share something with you. Why don’t you go ahead Stephen.” Jessie nodded at Stephen who breathed in a deep breath. Before he could speak five members of his peer group got up to sit across from him. <b>Stephen: </b>“Ok well you know why I’m on my full-time and….” <b>Jessie:</b> “I don’t think everyone here has heard why you’re on your full-time. Can you tell them please?” Stephen again took in a deep breath and rolled his eyes back. <b>Stephen: </b>“Ok. Before the I Want to Live me and Carol broke the sex agreement and that’s why I’m on my table. But I’ve been working on some really hard stuff for me that I….” <b>Ryan: </b>“Actually I never really heard about this yet so can you explain what happened a little more?” Stephen didn’t respond to Ryan right away. He hung his head for a moment. <b>Stephen: </b>“Ok. Thirteen days ago on Sunday after dinner me and Carol went into the woods and had sex. That’s pretty much it.” <b>Jessie:</b> “That’s about it? Did you just lie down in the dirt to do it?” Jessie commented, “There’s more to this story lets have it.” <b>Stephen: </b>“Alright um… I had a jacket and so did Carol and we used them to lie on.” <b>Ryan: </b>“Actually can you just start from the beginning? Like when did you decide to do this?” Stephen closed his eyes for a moment in lieu of Ryan’s question. <b>Stephen: </b>“Ok probably a week before that out in front of the house I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too. For the next week we were kind of flirting but we really didn’t plan anything we just kind of did it. And.. I don’t know that’s pretty much everything that happened.” Ryan sat back in his chair. <b>Ryan: </b>“Ok I just haven’t heard yet… so….” The room was silent for an awkward moment while Stephen stared tensely at the floor. <b>Jessie:</b> “But that’s not all you have to tell these guys is it?” Stephen kept staring but knew he couldn’t put off Jessie’s question much longer. His eyes began to glaze over. <b>Stephen: </b>“W-well you guys know why I’m on my table now and since then I’ve been working on some tough issues aand its not something you guys know about me.” Stephen leaned his elbows on his knees and tears dripped from his eyes. <b>Jessie:</b> “Go ahead Stephen. Tell them what you told me.” Stephen was holding back tears mustering the strength to answer Jessie. <b>Stephen: </b>“So when I was younger …in like fifth grade…..” Stephen hung his head back down and sniffled in a noseful of snot. Aaron: “You know you can tell us anything. We just went through the I Want to live together. Whatever you have to say isn’t going to change what we think of you.” <b>Nancy:</b> “Yeah. Seriously. You know how much we’ve already been through together.” Nancy followed Aaron’s statement along with a few others seeking to console him and coax his issues to surface. <b>Stephen: </b>“So w-when I was in fifth grade me and my friend would w-watch my older sister take showers. Fffffuck…. We did it like five times. There wasn’t a lock on the b-bathroom door. She – fuck-hhhh- she caught us once and I don’t know….. it’s …. I’m not proud of it.” Long uncomfortable silence <b></b><b>Nancy:</b> “Well I’m glad your being honest and telling us about this. I’m disappointed that you went through the I want to live dirty cuz that really meant a lot to me, but I’m glad to see you’re working on your table.” Clark quickly chimed in. <b>Clark:</b> “Well I’m glad um y’know that you’re finally working on yourself and I think it’s good that you’re being honest with us about this, but um I just wish you would have respected all of us in your peer group enough to come out with this in the I want to live, y’know… I mean…..” <b>Will:</b> “I gotta say I feel the same way I mean we were partners in there. I said a lot of things that were hard for me too and to know you could go through it without coming out with this stuff? I just feel like its hard to trust you.” Clark again claimed a place to speak after Will. <b>Clark:</b> “Can I ask you a question? Honestly? Why didn’t you come out with this in the I want to live? I’m just askin cuz it seems to me that would be when you would do that don’t you think?” There was a brief silence before Jessie spoke again. <b>Jessie:</b> “He makes a good point don’t you think Stephen? Wasn’t the I want to live the time to tell this to these guys? Why didn’t this come out then?” Stephen began crying into his palms and sucked in the snot hanging from his nose. <b>Stephen: </b>“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OK! I FUCKED UP! IT’S NOT LIKE THE I WANT TO LIVE DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING!” <b>Nancy:</b> “How could it mean anything if you go through dirty! How could you get anything from it if you won’t open up and get honest about yourself!” After Nancy said this Stephen reached down and grabbed his calves. <b>Stephen: </b>“FUUUUUCK! FUUUUUCK! FUUUU-HUUUUCK YOOO-HOOOUU!” <b>Jessie:</b> “That’s it. What are you feeling like Stephen.” Jessie’s voice was stern but quiet. <b>Stephen: </b>“I’M FUCKING SICK OF MYSELF! I FEEL SO FUCKING DISGUSTING!” <b>Jessie:</b> “Why disgusting Stephen.” <b>Stephen: </b>“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU FUCK! I WATCHED MY FUCKING SISTER TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER! FUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOOO-HOOOHOOOOU!” <b>Jessie:</b> “What else are you feeling?” <b>Stephen: </b>“FUUUUCK!FUUUUUCK!” <b>Jessie:</b> “C’mon Stephen what do you call yourself for doing that!” <b>Stephen: </b>“FUUUUCK YOOUU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT! FUUUUUCK!” <b>Jessie:</b> “C’mon Stephen what are you calling yourself right now! What do you think the people around you are saying right now!” <b>Stephen: </b>“FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUU-HUUUU-HUUUUCK!” <b>Jessie:</b> “What is it Stephen?! What’s the word in your head right now!!” <b>Stephen: </b>“YOU SICK FUCKING FREAK!! I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU SICK FFFUUUUUUCK!” <b>Jessie:</b> “What does sick fuck feel like! C’mon Stephen you’re right there!” <b>Stephen: </b>“IT FUUUCKING SUUUCKS! I’M A SIICK FUUCKING FREAK! FUUU-HUUU-HUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOOOUUU! FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUU-HUUUU-HUUUUCKING! GODAMN YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIIIIIT! FUUUUUUUUUCK!” <b>Jessie:</b> “Feels pretty bad doesn’t it?” <b>Stephen: </b>“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKK! UUHUU… FFUUUUUUUCCKKHHHUU-HUU….HHFFUCK!” Stephen could hardly get a breath through his screams. Snot and saliva were streaming from his nose and mouth. Someone next to him pulled a few Kleenex out of the box and threw them on the floor beneath his face. <b>Stephen: </b>“FUUUUUUCK YOU! FUUUUUUCK! UHHHUUuhhhuu….FHUUHUhuhuck!” Someone handed Stephen some tissues which he took and mopped his face with. He continued crying. <b>Jessie:</b> “It’s not easy facing the hard truth.” For awhile the group was silent as they watched Stephen empty out the last of his pain, rage and sorrow. <b>Jessie:</b> “Thanks for sharing. You really opened up, you should feel good about that. And I’m sure your peer group is glad you shared with them too.” <b>Peers:</b> “Yea Stephen.” “Thanks Stephen”. A few people chimed in as Jessie spoke. <b>Jessie:</b> “Ok guys. We’ve got some time left. Let’s get to whatever else we need to get to. Whoever’s ready just go.” Isaac got up and sat across from George. <b>Isaac: </b> “Alright George I seriously don’t want to be rude but you kinda smell. Like I really don’t want to bring it up but… I don’t know you just really need to use more deodorant or something. I seriously… I’m not trying to embarrass you but it’s true. That’s it.” George lifted his hands up just higher than his head. <b>George:</b> “Ok man. I’ll wear more deodorant I guess.” <b>Sandra: </b>“Ummm. I hate to say it but you do kind of stink.” Sandra joined Isaac. “I pass by you sometimes and it’s like serious b.o. and your hair is like super greasy. I’m sorry for saying that but it just… is kinda gross.” George looked away. <b>George:</b> “Gimme a fucking break….” Jamie then addressed Marcus. <b>Jamie: </b>“You’re in George’s dorm aren’t you? Do you notice anything wrong with George’s hygene?” <b>Marcus: </b>“Heeeeeeshhhh….yaaaa… I do sometimes.” <b>Jessie:</b>: “So why aren’t you saying anything?” <b>Marcus: </b>“I mean I can I…” <b>Jessie:</b> “Get a voice!” Marcus got up and sat across from George. <b>Jessie:</b> “George you should listen to what they’re saying. Your hygene could be better and you don’t put much effort into your appearance. That’s just what I think ok?” <b>George:</b> “Ok man whatever. I’ll fucking clean myself. It’s fine really you’ve made your point I get it. Can we just please move on?” Jessie waited a moment and looked around to see if anybody had anything to add. <b>Jessie:</b> “Ok. Let’s move on.” <b>Josh: </b>“I have something to say to somebody.” Josh got up and switched seats. “This is to Martin. I heard you telling your story to Michael yesterday and I know pot is part of your story but you guys were TOTALLY war storying together. You were sayin like how you used to get the dankest pot and he was too. I mean you were really sounding like you guys were in your shit.” <b>Jessie:</b> “Were you talking about it like that Martin?” Martin tensed up as he tried to answer Jessie. <b>Martin:</b> “Welllllll….maybe a little bit but really….” <b>Jessie:</b> “Don’t candy coat it. Were you talking about it like Josh is saying you did?” Martin took a deep breath. <b>Martin:</b> “Yeah we were.” Jessie sat forward leaning his elbows on his knees and shook his head. <b>Jessie:</b> “Uh- uh. Mm-mm nope. That’s not acceptable. You know your not supposed to do that. Not ok.” Jessie was still looking Martin shaking his head. <b>Jessie:</b> “I see you as being really in your shit right now. Your mind’s in the gutter. Not ok.” <b>Martin:</b> “I don’t really think I’m in my shit. I know I shouldn’t have done that but it was just a mistake kind of.” <b>Jessie:</b> “No I don’t see that. You’re in your old image, you’re glorifying your drug experiences…. Uh-uh….. that’s totally unacceptable. After this rap come and see me so we can talk about this ok? Let’s move on.” <b>Jessie:</b> “C’mon guys. Anyone else before we wrap this up?” Jessie looked around the room until his eyes landed on the boy next to him, Dean, who he stared at with a smirk on his face. Deans eyes widened. Jessie lightly elbowed Dean a couple times. <b>Jessie:</b> “Hey.” “Hey” “Howr you doin Dean? How have you been since the I want to live?” <b>Dean:</b> “I’ve been pretty good.” <b>Jessie:</b> “Yeah? Have you been holding onto some of that stuff?” <b>Dean:</b> “Yeah I mean I find myself struggling with it but I still feel like I got a lot from it soo yeah.” <b>Jessie:</b> “How bout the rest of you guys. You still paying attention to those tools?” <b>Peers:</b> “(yeah) [me too ya.]” Several voices came in response. Jessie lead the final stretch of the rap by going around the room one by one giving everyone a chance to say something before letting them go. Back in the house Mann was finishing up his rap too. <b>Mann:</b> “Yknow some people did some really great work in here today…. Carol. How’r you feeling right now?” <b>Carol:</b> “I’m feeling Ok I guess.” <b>Mann:</b> “You really were listening to your little kid today. What’s her name?” Carol cracked a small smile. <b>Carol:</b> “I really hate you.” <b>Mann:</b> “Oh c’mon what’s your little girls name just say it.” Carol smiled and put her hand over her mouth. <b>Carol:</b> “Care Bear.” Mann just looked at her and smiled. <b>Mann:</b> “I’m glad you decided to let her come out today.” Mann continued to stare at her while she kept her hand over her mouth. <b>Carol:</b> “I’m not supposed to smile.” Mann chuckled a little when she said this. <b>Mann:</b> “Yknow what. For the last few minutes before this rap is over can we get a smoosh pile here on the floor. C’mon everybody down, you too Carol.” <b>Carol:</b> “Does that mean I can be off bans from….” <b>Mann:</b> “Yeeesss only till the rap is over.” Carol ran over to smoosh with her friends as did everyone in a happy pile for the next few minutes. Raps were over for today……. I’m posting the second half of “Awake’s” treatment of the Cedu Rap. It is accurate and harrowing - remember this was three-times weekly for most of 2.5 years:

http://www.fornits.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=25715&p=314152#p314119

In the next room over an entirely different situation was taking place.

Sandy: “I bet you really watch what you eat dontcha. I know what it’s like to try and throw up hard foods like chips. No, you go for a piece of fruit or something soft so it comes up easier. Why are you sitting like that!?”

Sheila: “Like what?”

Sandy: “Like what?” Sandy mimicked Sheila’s pointless defense. “You’ve got your arms crossed across your chest. You’re not taking any of this seriously are you?”

A girl, Tristen, got up and sat across from Sheila.

Tristen: “Ya. You are being really defensive. Don’t pretend you don’t have a problem cuz believe me I know. I used to make myself throw up so much that my finger wouldn’t work for me anymore. It got so bad I had to roll up newspapers to stick down my throat or I wouldn’t be able to throw up.”

Sandy: “How do you do it Sheila? Do you use your finger? Or do you just know how to make yourself do it without anything? That was how I did it. I was so good at it I didn’t even have to use a finger. I bet you do it that way too dontcha.”

Sandy, now speaking, leaned forward and looked at Sheila who still sat with her arms crossed. “Heellloooo!!!!! Are you listening at all?!” Sheila made no response. “Y’know what, if you’re not willing to work on yourself we’re not going to waste our time with you! It’s your choice. You can sit at your table and waste time or you can choose to get something positive from it.”

Tristen: “Can I just say one last thing? For me this was a really tough issue to deal with and I’m still dealing with it and it makes me sad to watch you sit there and not confront your issues. I really want to be there to support you, but you aren’t even trying to work on yourself.”

Sandy: “Work on herself? She won’t even admit she HAS A PROBLEM!!! It’s time for you to get real!”

Tristen: “Can I say something?”

Sandy: “NO! She’s wasting our time! Let’s let some other people talk in here.”
“Randy you wanted to go. Go.” Randy got up and took a place across from Eric.

Randy: “Eric I think you should be watching who you spend your time with. It wasn’t very long ago that you broke the sex agreement and you and Alison are hangin out a lot.”

Eric: “What are you talking about we’ve only been off bans for like two weeks!”

Randy: “Yeah well you guys are still together a lot.”

Eric: “Yea. When…”

Randy: “I’m not done!” Randy wasn’t about to let Marla cut him off. “I mean nothing may be going on but it still looks that way and you should be paying attention to that.” “Yea it’s like I totally see you going right back to your shit. You and your friends are really clicky. Ever since you got off bans it’s like you went right back to your old image. Once you get around them you get really sarcastic and fast and…..” “There’s red flags going up all around you Eric! This is the same behavior that got you in trouble in the first place!”

Sandy: “Can you really not see what these people are saying?”

Eric: “No I can see what they’re saying. I’ve just spent a lot of time with them cuz we were on bans, but I hear what they’re saying.”

Sandy: “I hope so.” Sandy sat back in her chair and held her gaze on Eric. “Consider this a warning Eric.”

(Sandy ends with Eric and focuses on Devin)

Sandy: “Does someone else want to go? Devin. I haven’t heard from you in awhile how are you?”

Devin: “Not that great I guess.”

Sandy: “Why not that great?”

Devin: “I don’t know I’ve been getting frustrated lately. I was made a dormhead a couple weeks ago and I just don’t like it.”

Sandy: “What are you saying you can’t handle the responsibility?”

Devin: “No it’s not that I just… I’m having a hard time I guess and I feel like I have enough to deal with….”

Sandy took over. “So what’s really goin on? Your problems are much deeper than just being a dormhead aren’t they?”

Devin leaned forward.

Luke: “C’mon man I know you’ve been having a hard time lately.”“We’ve talked before so I know we’ve got some of the same issues.” (Luke is a friend of Devin)

Devin didn’t hesitate. “Fuuuuck! FUUUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIIIIT!! FUCK THIS BULLSHIT SCHOOL! FUCK BEING A FUCKING DORMHEAD! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ON MANN’S FUCKING TEAM YOU FUCKING PRICK FUUUUUCK!”

Sandy: “That’s it! What’s really goin on Devin!”

Devin: “I fucking HATE IT HERE! I’M FUCKING STUCK IN THIS STUPID HOLE! YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU’LL NEVER HAVE A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND YOU UGLY FUCKING FUCK! FUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUUUCK YOOOUUU!”

Sandy: “There’s more there Devin! C’mon get….”

Devin: “FUUUUCK! FUUUUCK! I FUCKING HATE YOU! FUUUUCK!”

Sandy: “That’s right! Go for broke Devin!”

Devin: “FUUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I HATE YOU FOR SENDING ME HERE YOU STUPID FUCKS! FUUUUCK YOU GOD YOU FUCKING FUCK! I HATE MY PARENTS! I HATE MYSELF YOU FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING STAND THIS FUCKING PLACE ANYMORE! FUUUUUUCK!” — “FUUUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOU! GODAMNIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!”

Just then Julie began screaming as well, her voice a high pitched screeching diminishing his lower toned voice.

Julie: “FUUCK YOU GODAMNIT!”

Sandy: “That’s it Julie what are you saying to yourself right now!”

Julie: “I’M FUCKING PATHETIC! I’M A FUCKING PATHETIC FREAK! I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MAN! MY HANDS ARE FUCKING HUGE! LOOK AT MY FUCKING HUGE FUCKING HANDS! I’M A DISGUSTING FREAK! FUUUUUUCK YOOOUUUU! FUUUUCK!”

At this point Sandy could barely be heard over the two of them.

Sandy: “You bet Julie! What’s it like to hold that judgement on yourself day after day!”

Julie: “IT FUCKING SUUCKS! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS! FUUUCK YOU YOU DIGUSTING FREAK!”

Sandy: “What’s it like to let those judgements control you! What’s it like to live your lie every day!!”

Sandy barely finished the sentence before Julie let out a defening scream.

Julie: “AAAAAAAAA!FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUCK! I HATE YOU! FUUUUUCK!”

Devin’s screams began to subside and Julie was fairly close behind.

“Fuck! Fu-hu-huuuck!”

Sandy: “Yeah.” Sandy said to Julie. “It’s hard to hold those judgements against you all the time isn’t it?”

Julie: “Yes! FuUUCK!”

Sandy: “What’s your truth Julie?”

Julie only responded by crying harder.

Sandy: “You’re thinking about it right now Julie, what is it?”

Julie began crying hard.

Julie: “Innoce-e-ent.”

Sandy: “Yeah. Innocent. You are innocent. How does your truth feel?”

Julie: “It f-feels goo-hood.”

Sandy: “Yeah. It feels good doesn’t it? Why don’t you let that in more? You know your truth yet you choose to ignore it. How about you Devin? What’s your truth?”

Devin: “I’m Honest.” Devin had recouperated somewhat.

Sandy: “Yeah. Honest. Just feel that feeling.

Sandy: What about you Sheila What’s your truth?!”

Sheila was still sitting in the same position…her arms crossed her chest. She said nothing.

Sandy: “You can’t even say it can you? Are you so deep in your lie you can’t even say your truth outloud?”

Sheila made a sour face at that and shook her head slightly.

Sheila: “It’s beautiful.”

Sandy: “Yeah….beautiful. What’s so hard about that. Is that hard to hear? That you’re beautiful?”

Sheila bent foreward and screamed at the top of her lungs.

Sheila: “FUUUUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH I FUCKING HAAATE YOOOUUUU!”

Sandy: “That’s exactly right isn’t it Sheila. What have you been holding back on this whole time?!”

Sheila: “I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

Sandy: “Why is it so hard to hear that you’re beautiful? It must feel pretty bad if you can’t even listen to your truth! Or are living your lie?!”

Sheila: “FUUUCK YOU YOU STUPID BITCH!” Sheila continued on her tyrade. “I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH!.”

Sandy: “Your truth is so far away from you right now. How far away from beautiful are you right now Sheila?!”

Sheila: “FUUUUUUCK YOOOOU! FUUUUU-HUUU-HUUUUCK! YOU STUPID SLUT! YOU GODDAMN BITCH!”

Sandy withheld any comments for a minute while Sheila continued screaming in a rage.

Sandy: “How long were you going to hold onto that? How long were you planning on waiting before you showed us how you really feel?”

Sheila: “FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING SLUT! FUUUUUUUCK!”

Sandy: “What are you feeling right now Sheila?”

Sheila: “I’M FUCKING PISSED OFF! GODAMN I’M SOOO FUUUUCKIING PIIISSED!”

Sandy: “Of course your pissed off. There’s a lot for you to be pissed off about. What are you pissed at?”

Sheila: “GODAMN FUUUUCK! I’M PISSED AT FUCKING EVERYTHING!”

Sandy: “Like what?”

Sheila: “I’M PISSED AT FUCKING DISHES, I’M PISSED AT MY TABLE, I’M PISSED I HAVE TO GO INTO EVERY FUCKING RAP AND TALK ABOUT THIS EVERY FUCKING TIME! FUUUUCK!”

Sandy had become quite calm as she spoke to Sheila. “

Sandy: Who are you really pissed at then Sheila?”

Sheila grabbed the hair on top of her head.

Sheila: “FUUUUUUCK! GODAMN FUUUUCKING FUUUUCK!”

Sandy: “C’mon Sheila! You know the answer to this. Who are you really pissed at! Who’s making themself throw up in the bathroom?! Who is it Sheila?!”

Sheila: “FUUUCK I’M PISSED AT MY FUCKING SELF! FUUUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SLUT! YOU FUCKING BITCH!”

Sandy: “Yea. You’re pissed at yourself. What is it like to be so angry with yourself?”

Sheila finally began to cry, her rage having wiped out her energy. She bawled so deeply she could not speak.

Sandy: “It must be hard to be that mad at yourself. Y’know you ARE beautiful you just choose to cover it up. Can you say that about yourself? Can you say I am beautiful?”

Sheila cried harder and pressed her palms over her eyes while facing the floor.

Sheila: “fu-huUCK YOU!”

Sandy: “I am beautiful. You can do it Sheila……. I am beautiful.”

Sheila: “I a-am beautifu-ul.”

Sheila continued crying.

Sandy: “You better believe it! Of course you are.”

The room was quiet and Sheila sat doubled over her lap still weeping.

Sandy: “You just stay in that place for awhile ok? Stay with beautiful.”

Luke: “Can I say something?”

Sandy: “Sure, go ahead Luke.”

Luke: “Umm Devin. I have a lot of the same judgements as you and I just want to say I hope you know you can come talk to me any time man.”

Devin: “Thanks man. I will.”

Sandy: “Ok who’s next.”

The room was silent.

Sandy: “C’mon I know there’s people that have other people to talk to in here.”

Calvin and Brad both raised their hands then quickly pointed at one another as if to say ‘It’s ok you go ahead’.

Sandy: “Pick someone already! Brad!Go!”

Brad breathed a sigh as he got up to switch his seat.

Brad: “Ok this isn’t like a huge deal but Thomas you were like barely working on dinner dishes last night. We asked to get checked off but your section was never complete. I had to help you finish your job so we could go. So I’m just saying it’s cool but next time hopefully you can work a little harder.”

Next to Brad Ellie joined in.

Ellie: “I’ve been on dishes with you the last three nights and you are ALWAYS slacking off. When you sweep and mop you don’t even get all the way under the tables and theres always food left underneath.”

Sandy: “Thomas! Jeez are you kidding me!” Sandy gave Thomas a stern look. “You have been on dishes SO many times I couldn’t even count. Does someone really need to show you how to do your job again?”

Thomas: “No I know how to I just missed some stuff.”

Ellie was quick to comment.

Ellie: “That is total bullshit! You are totally cutting corners on dishes all the time!”

Thomas: “Whaaat are you serious?”

Ellie: “What do you mean am I serious! We were seriously there at least a half hour more because of you.”

Brad: “I agree with Ellie.” Brad again chimed in. “I don’t know about you but I’d rather spend my time in the house. I really don’t see why you’d do a half assed job when you could just do it right and be done.”

Sandy rolled her eyes.

Sandy: “How many times are we gonna go through this Thomas? I’m serious how many times do you have to hear the same feedback over and over and over? I’m getting really tired of hearing this every time I’m in a rap with you. Can you just get it together please so I don’t have to hear this anymore?”

Thomas: “Yes”

Sandy: “Yes I will work harder on dishes!?”

Thomas: “Yes I will work harder on dishes.”

Sandy: “Thank you. I assume you’re on dishes tonight?”

Thomas: “Yes.”

Sandy: “Good.”

Sandy: “Calvin you wanted to go next?”

Calvin: “Yeah Ellie. I heard you and Mandi popping off while you were carrying the trash to the dumpster on dishes last night.”

Marla: “Yea. I catch you guys popping off in the house too.”

Ellie squinted her eyes and looked at Marla.

Ellie: “When did I ever pop off in the house?”

Marla: “Well your not totally popping off but you totally cut corners. I hear you guys humming…..”

Ellie: “Whatever Marla! You are the biggest look good ever! You’re always looking for an excuse to indict someone!”

Calvin then got up and sat next to Ellie.

Calvin: “To tell you the truth this is pissing me off too. You’re always following someone else’s indictment. Why aren’t you ever the first to indict somebody yet you always have something to say.”

Marla: “I really don’t understand how that makes me a look good.”

Julie got up and sat across from Marla.

Julie: “Please. You know you’re a look good. You pull people up for the lamest shit. You even tell the guys to tuck their shirts in more if their just barely hanging over their belts. I just have a hard time believing anything you say because there’s no way you really have a problem with that stuff. You’re just trying to look good…….

An hour and fifteen minutes left to go and yet another rap, in the building just up from the main house, was taking place.

Jessie: “Ok guys there’s something we really need to get to today and that is Stephen. You guys know he’s been on a full time for the last week aaaand he’s there because he decided it was ok to go through the I want to live dirty aaaaand …. Well he wants to share something with you. Why don’t you go ahead Stephen.”

Jessie nodded at Stephen who breathed in a deep breath. Before he could speak five members of his peer group got up to sit across from him.

Stephen: “Ok well you know why I’m on my full-time and….”

Jessie: “I don’t think everyone here has heard why you’re on your full-time. Can you tell them please?”

Stephen again took in a deep breath and rolled his eyes back.

Stephen: “Ok. Before the I Want to Live me and Carol broke the sex agreement and that’s why I’m on my table. But I’ve been working on some really hard stuff for me that I….”

Ryan: “Actually I never really heard about this yet so can you explain what happened a little more?”

Stephen didn’t respond to Ryan right away. He hung his head for a moment.

Stephen: “Ok. Thirteen days ago on Sunday after dinner me and Carol went into the woods and had sex. That’s pretty much it.”

Jessie: “That’s about it? Did you just lie down in the dirt to do it?” Jessie commented, “There’s more to this story lets have it.”

Stephen: “Alright um… I had a jacket and so did Carol and we used them to lie on.”

Ryan: “Actually can you just start from the beginning? Like when did you decide to do this?”

Stephen closed his eyes for a moment in lieu of Ryan’s question.

Stephen: “Ok probably a week before that out in front of the house I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too. For the next week we were kind of flirting but we really didn’t plan anything we just kind of did it. And.. I don’t know that’s pretty much everything that happened.”

Ryan sat back in his chair.

Ryan: “Ok I just haven’t heard yet… so….”

The room was silent for an awkward moment while Stephen stared tensely at the floor.

Jessie: “But that’s not all you have to tell these guys is it?”

Stephen kept staring but knew he couldn’t put off Jessie’s question much longer. His eyes began to glaze over.

Stephen: “W-well you guys know why I’m on my table now and since then I’ve been working on some tough issues aand its not something you guys know about me.”

Stephen leaned his elbows on his knees and tears dripped from his eyes.

Jessie: “Go ahead Stephen. Tell them what you told me.”

Stephen was holding back tears mustering the strength to answer Jessie.

Stephen: “So when I was younger …in like fifth grade…..”

Stephen hung his head back down and sniffled in a noseful of snot.

Aaron: “You know you can tell us anything. We just went through the I Want to live together. Whatever you have to say isn’t going to change what we think of you.”

Nancy: “Yeah. Seriously. You know how much we’ve already been through together.”

Nancy followed Aaron’s statement along with a few others seeking to console him and coax his issues to surface.

Stephen: “So w-when I was in fifth grade me and my friend would w-watch my older sister take showers. Fffffuck…. We did it like five times. There wasn’t a lock on the b-bathroom door. She – fuck-hhhh- she caught us once and I don’t know….. it’s …. I’m not proud of it.”

Long uncomfortable silence

Nancy: “Well I’m glad your being honest and telling us about this. I’m disappointed that you went through the I want to live dirty cuz that really meant a lot to me, but I’m glad to see you’re working on your table.”

Clark quickly chimed in.

Clark: “Well I’m glad um y’know that you’re finally working on yourself and I think it’s good that you’re being honest with us about this, but um I just wish you would have respected all of us in your peer group enough to come out with this in the I want to live, y’know… I mean…..”

Will: “I gotta say I feel the same way I mean we were partners in there. I said a lot of things that were hard for me too and to know you could go through it without coming out with this stuff? I just feel like its hard to trust you.”

Clark again claimed a place to speak after Will.

Clark: “Can I ask you a question? Honestly? Why didn’t you come out with this in the I want to live? I’m just askin cuz it seems to me that would be when you would do that don’t you think?”

There was a brief silence before Jessie spoke again.

Jessie: “He makes a good point don’t you think Stephen? Wasn’t the I want to live the time to tell this to these guys? Why didn’t this come out then?”

Stephen began crying into his palms and sucked in the snot hanging from his nose.

Stephen: “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW OK! I FUCKED UP! IT’S NOT LIKE THE I WANT TO LIVE DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING!”

Nancy: “How could it mean anything if you go through dirty! How could you get anything from it if you won’t open up and get honest about yourself!”

After Nancy said this Stephen reached down and grabbed his calves.

Stephen: “FUUUUUCK! FUUUUUCK! FUUUU-HUUUUCK YOOO-HOOOUU!”

Jessie: “That’s it. What are you feeling like Stephen.”

Jessie’s voice was stern but quiet.

Stephen: “I’M FUCKING SICK OF MYSELF! I FEEL SO FUCKING DISGUSTING!”

Jessie: “Why disgusting Stephen.”

Stephen: “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU FUCK! I WATCHED MY FUCKING SISTER TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER! FUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOOO-HOOOHOOOOU!”

Jessie: “What else are you feeling?”

Stephen: “FUUUUCK!FUUUUUCK!”

Jessie: “C’mon Stephen what do you call yourself for doing that!”

Stephen: “FUUUUCK YOOUU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIT! FUUUUUCK!”

Jessie: “C’mon Stephen what are you calling yourself right now! What do you think the people around you are saying right now!”

Stephen: “FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUU-HUUUU-HUUUUCK!”

Jessie: “What is it Stephen?! What’s the word in your head right now!!”

Stephen: “YOU SICK FUCKING FREAK!! I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU SICK FFFUUUUUUCK!”

Jessie: “What does sick fuck feel like! C’mon Stephen you’re right there!”

Stephen: “IT FUUUCKING SUUUCKS! I’M A SIICK FUUCKING FREAK! FUUU-HUUU-HUUUUCK! FUUUUCK YOOOUUU! FUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUU-HUUUU-HUUUUCKING! GODAMN YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE PIECE OF SHIIIIIT! FUUUUUUUUUCK!”

Jessie: “Feels pretty bad doesn’t it?”

Stephen: “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKK! UUHUU… FFUUUUUUUCCKKHHHUU-HUU….HHFFUCK!”

Stephen could hardly get a breath through his screams. Snot and saliva were streaming from his nose and mouth. Someone next to him pulled a few Kleenex out of the box and threw them on the floor beneath his face.

Stephen: “FUUUUUUCK YOU! FUUUUUUCK! UHHHUUuhhhuu….FHUUHUhuhuck!”

Someone handed Stephen some tissues which he took and mopped his face with. He continued crying.

Jessie: “It’s not easy facing the hard truth.”

For awhile the group was silent as they watched Stephen empty out the last of his pain, rage and sorrow.

Jessie: “Thanks for sharing. You really opened up, you should feel good about that. And I’m sure your peer group is glad you shared with them too.”

Peers: “Yea Stephen.” “Thanks Stephen”. A few people chimed in as Jessie spoke.

Jessie: “Ok guys. We’ve got some time left. Let’s get to whatever else we need to get to. Whoever’s ready just go.”

Isaac got up and sat across from George.

Isaac: “Alright George I seriously don’t want to be rude but you kinda smell. Like I really don’t want to bring it up but… I don’t know you just really need to use more deodorant or something. I seriously… I’m not trying to embarrass you but it’s true. That’s it.”

George lifted his hands up just higher than his head.

George: “Ok man. I’ll wear more deodorant I guess.”

Sandra: “Ummm. I hate to say it but you do kind of stink.” Sandra joined Isaac. “I pass by you sometimes and it’s like serious b.o. and your hair is like super greasy. I’m sorry for saying that but it just… is kinda gross.”

George looked away.

George: “Gimme a fucking break….”

Jamie then addressed Marcus.

Jamie: “You’re in George’s dorm aren’t you? Do you notice anything wrong with George’s hygene?”

Marcus: “Heeeeeeshhhh….yaaaa… I do sometimes.”

Jessie:: “So why aren’t you saying anything?”

Marcus: “I mean I can I…”

Jessie: “Get a voice!”

Marcus got up and sat across from George.

Jessie: “George you should listen to what they’re saying. Your hygene could be better and you don’t put much effort into your appearance. That’s just what I think ok?”

George: “Ok man whatever. I’ll fucking clean myself. It’s fine really you’ve made your point I get it. Can we just please move on?”

Jessie waited a moment and looked around to see if anybody had anything to add.

Jessie: “Ok. Let’s move on.”

Josh: “I have something to say to somebody.” Josh got up and switched seats. “This is to Martin. I heard you telling your story to Michael yesterday and I know pot is part of your story but you guys were TOTALLY war storying together. You were sayin like how you used to get the dankest pot and he was too. I mean you were really sounding like you guys were in your shit.”

Jessie: “Were you talking about it like that Martin?”

Martin tensed up as he tried to answer Jessie.

Martin: “Welllllll….maybe a little bit but really….”

Jessie: “Don’t candy coat it. Were you talking about it like Josh is saying you did?”

Martin took a deep breath.

Martin: “Yeah we were.”

Jessie sat forward leaning his elbows on his knees and shook his head.

Jessie: “Uh- uh. Mm-mm nope. That’s not acceptable. You know your not supposed to do that. Not ok.”

Jessie was still looking Martin shaking his head.

Jessie: “I see you as being really in your shit right now. Your mind’s in the gutter. Not ok.”

Martin: “I don’t really think I’m in my shit. I know I shouldn’t have done that but it was just a mistake kind of.”

Jessie: “No I don’t see that. You’re in your old image, you’re glorifying your drug experiences…. Uh-uh….. that’s totally unacceptable. After this rap come and see me so we can talk about this ok? Let’s move on.”

Jessie: “C’mon guys. Anyone else before we wrap this up?”
Jessie looked around the room until his eyes landed on the boy next to him, Dean, who he stared at with a smirk on his face. Deans eyes widened. Jessie lightly elbowed Dean a couple times.

Jessie: “Hey.” “Hey” “Howr you doin Dean? How have you been since the I want to live?”

Dean: “I’ve been pretty good.”

Jessie: “Yeah? Have you been holding onto some of that stuff?”

Dean: “Yeah I mean I find myself struggling with it but I still feel like I got a lot from it soo yeah.”

Jessie: “How bout the rest of you guys. You still paying attention to those tools?”

Peers: “(yeah) [me too ya.]” Several voices came in response.

Jessie lead the final stretch of the rap by going around the room one by one giving everyone a chance to say something before letting them go.

Back in the house Mann was finishing up his rap too.

Mann: “Yknow some people did some really great work in here today…. Carol. How’r you feeling right now?”

Carol: “I’m feeling Ok I guess.”

Mann: “You really were listening to your little kid today. What’s her name?”

Carol cracked a small smile.

Carol: “I really hate you.”

Mann: “Oh c’mon what’s your little girls name just say it.”

Carol smiled and put her hand over her mouth.

Carol: “Care Bear.”

Mann just looked at her and smiled.

Mann: “I’m glad you decided to let her come out today.”

Mann continued to stare at her while she kept her hand over her mouth.

Carol: “I’m not supposed to smile.”

Mann chuckled a little when she said this.

Mann: “Yknow what. For the last few minutes before this rap is over can we get a smoosh pile here on the floor. C’mon everybody down, you too Carol.”

Carol: “Does that mean I can be off bans from….”

Mann: “Yeeesss only till the rap is over.”

Carol ran over to smoosh with her friends as did everyone in a happy pile for the next few minutes. Raps were over for today…….

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - I and Me and Summit Scripts by Jonny Possibly http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/06/20/cedu-documentary-i-and-me-and-summit-scripts/#comment-8324 Jonny Possibly Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:00:03 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/06/20/cedu-documentary-i-and-me-and-summit-scripts/#comment-8324 Hi Carrie! I was there when you were. (87-89) First off, I want to say that the kids who went to RMA instead of CEDU definitely lucked out, cause the food was pretty darn good. (Chicken curry was my favorite.) I don't understand how you guys managed to make enough for 150-200 kids on a wood burning stove in just a few hours. Especially since all bread was made from scratch. I even remember the mixer. Even with seconds available, food ran out, and that was no fault of the kitchen staff, that was the ridiculous school administration which required that everything be as close to grizzly adams chic as possible. I also don't understand why so many of the kids complained about the food. I always liked it. I worked in the woodshop when I was in challenge, instead of the kitchen, (88) but I think I remember you. Greg went on a wilderness trip for a week, so all of the woodshop kids moved over to the kitchen for that time. I was all grumbly about working in the kitchen, because I hated cooking and dishes. (Still do, you should see my house.) But I think you were the one who taught me how to crack an egg with one hand. (I'm pretty sure the person's name started with a C or K.) I don't remember what you look like, but I *do* remember that I was really jazzed at learning how to do that. (it's the little things, sometimes.) I always jokingly answer if someone asks me "Did you learn ANYTHING beneficial at RMA?" I say "Yah. I learned how to crack an egg with one hand." I can't even crack one with two hands any more. I mess it up. :D One of the many things I really disliked about RMA was how the kitchen staff were regarded by the student body and faculty. There were several kids who preferred hanging out in the kitchen and talking to you guys, instead of hanging out with their "peers" or with staff. (and could you blame them?) These were the kids who were always looked down upon as losers, and would get yelled at in raps. And the criticism was SO transparent it was actually TRUE! They would say "You just want to be around people who don't know you the way we do so they won't judge you." Well, uh... DUH! Who the heck wants to hang out with people who are going to be judgmental and critical and hurtful, huh? If everyone in the school looks at you as a loser, why on earth would you want to give them the time of day, anyway? But, really, my issue with this is how unbelievably classist it is. They are literally saying "Don't socialize with the help." It was disgusting. I bet there were kids there who would have loved to spend more time with people further removed from the program, just because these individuals acted like, oh, I dunno, normal people, but they didn't, because they didn't want to be looked down upon by everyone else in the school. I always really hated that. One kitchen staff who I remember fondly is Wendy. She could out arm-wrestle anyone in the school, and her and Lou were the only two staff I knew of who went through the propheet workshop program and it didn't seem to affect them at all. I remember being shocked when someone told me while I was there. I remember thinking "She doesn't act like she has experienced that at all." I always wondered what her opinion was about all of that nonsense. She always seemed to me to be one of those uber still-waters type folks who have nothing to prove to anyone, and are just really secure with themselves. I don't know how right I am on that, though, because it was a long time ago. Hi Carrie!

I was there when you were. (87-89) First off, I want to say that the kids who went to RMA instead of CEDU definitely lucked out, cause the food was pretty darn good. (Chicken curry was my favorite.) I don’t understand how you guys managed to make enough for 150-200 kids on a wood burning stove in just a few hours. Especially since all bread was made from scratch. I even remember the mixer. Even with seconds available, food ran out, and that was no fault of the kitchen staff, that was the ridiculous school administration which required that everything be as close to grizzly adams chic as possible.

I also don’t understand why so many of the kids complained about the food. I always liked it.

I worked in the woodshop when I was in challenge, instead of the kitchen, (88) but I think I remember you. Greg went on a wilderness trip for a week, so all of the woodshop kids moved over to the kitchen for that time. I was all grumbly about working in the kitchen, because I hated cooking and dishes. (Still do, you should see my house.) But I think you were the one who taught me how to crack an egg with one hand. (I’m pretty sure the person’s name started with a C or K.) I don’t remember what you look like, but I *do* remember that I was really jazzed at learning how to do that. (it’s the little things, sometimes.) I always jokingly answer if someone asks me “Did you learn ANYTHING beneficial at RMA?” I say “Yah. I learned how to crack an egg with one hand.” I can’t even crack one with two hands any more. I mess it up. :D

One of the many things I really disliked about RMA was how the kitchen staff were regarded by the student body and faculty. There were several kids who preferred hanging out in the kitchen and talking to you guys, instead of hanging out with their “peers” or with staff. (and could you blame them?) These were the kids who were always looked down upon as losers, and would get yelled at in raps. And the criticism was SO transparent it was actually TRUE! They would say “You just want to be around people who don’t know you the way we do so they won’t judge you.” Well, uh… DUH! Who the heck wants to hang out with people who are going to be judgmental and critical and hurtful, huh? If everyone in the school looks at you as a loser, why on earth would you want to give them the time of day, anyway?

But, really, my issue with this is how unbelievably classist it is. They are literally saying “Don’t socialize with the help.” It was disgusting. I bet there were kids there who would have loved to spend more time with people further removed from the program, just because these individuals acted like, oh, I dunno, normal people, but they didn’t, because they didn’t want to be looked down upon by everyone else in the school.

I always really hated that.

One kitchen staff who I remember fondly is Wendy. She could out arm-wrestle anyone in the school, and her and Lou were the only two staff I knew of who went through the propheet workshop program and it didn’t seem to affect them at all. I remember being shocked when someone told me while I was there. I remember thinking “She doesn’t act like she has experienced that at all.”

I always wondered what her opinion was about all of that nonsense. She always seemed to me to be one of those uber still-waters type folks who have nothing to prove to anyone, and are just really secure with themselves. I don’t know how right I am on that, though, because it was a long time ago.

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - Cedu Raps and the Synanon Game by Awake http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8323 Awake Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:15:52 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8323 Hi Liam, I'm glad you appreciate what I've said enough to quote me here. WOW! The Language and Psychology of Synanon pages are really mind blowing. And what timing, for it seems you posted this just as I was writing "The Rap" (Finished now even if still lacking). I'm looking forward to your documentary. It's good to finally make some sense of an experience that was so full of emotional extremes, confusion. As a friend said to me...How can we 'move on'. Hi Liam,

I’m glad you appreciate what I’ve said enough to quote me here. WOW! The Language and Psychology of Synanon pages are really mind blowing. And what timing, for it seems you posted this just as I was writing “The Rap” (Finished now even if still lacking). I’m looking forward to your documentary. It’s good to finally make some sense of an experience that was so full of emotional extremes, confusion. As a friend said to me…How can we ‘move on’.

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - I and Me and Summit Scripts by Carrie http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/06/20/cedu-documentary-i-and-me-and-summit-scripts/#comment-8310 Carrie Tue, 26 Aug 2008 08:02:36 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/06/20/cedu-documentary-i-and-me-and-summit-scripts/#comment-8310 Back 4 years ago I found a site and logged on there as "Cooked @ RMA" I worked there in the 80's I needed to find work as a young married couple we had moved to Bonners Ferry, and got a house. Hubby and I some how thought it was a great place to live life and so why pay rent if you can buy your own home. However as things got worse I had to return to work in order to help out. Had I known then what I know now I would have never left my son's in day-care / pre-school to work. After reading the Script I am wondering how in the world this was kept up year after year. RMA was running along very big in this area in 1987 - 1988 is when I started to work for the school, and it just got bigger and bigger. There is again another "school" on site they changed the name of what was "the farm" to Boulder Creek, then they built a new school way up the hill from where the "Ruby Ridge" shoot out the Fed.'s had with Randy Weaver. They called that North West then they did a "switch" and moved RMA up there and NW to the old RMA site. All the while "the farm" or "Boulder Creek" kept on being it's own school. The YES it is closed (2005)is now again "Oh no!" and the whole operation is up and running again. However I wonder if they are still "doing all the stuff" they did??? Like I said if I knew then what I know now. When I worked there I worked hard, very hard, cooking meals on a huge set of wood cook stoves which is easy to say but very hard to do. Long after I was told... "you do not have a job" 1990 I learned the reason I was "fired?" was due to a student who was up-set over how another staff member was treating me, seems the student was yelling about it in a rap. I have also learned that many of the students who have been there in the years from 1990 on ended up way more broken or wounded then they would have been had they just been kicked out of the parents home. It seems to me we cannot trust some "school" to fix someone it is not like anyone is really broken we all have a hard time with the "growing up".. I know I am having a hard time being an adult.. And..... Someday when I grow up.... In my world will it will be one where everyone can feel the real love that is all around each of us and never will a child be feeling bad or be beaten down. I have my own issues from the RMA thing. The people Mel and his wife had left in "charge" up in Bonners Ferry, did me wrong... Back then, Then when my kid just had turned 18 a student who was going to get out of RMA in a matter of weeks who was only 17 Called the cops and said he had touched her!!!! "The charge was Sexual with a 25 year jail time." WE had to prove he was telling the truth sent him to all kinds of testing with Dr.'s and even a FBI lie detector test with a trip to Spokane for that. Well when the court saw the Dr. and report from the lie detector the charge was dropped to "simple assult"... So my issues are what they are.. I just have to remember that what comes around goes around in the world how it is today. I never wished a bad thing on another person. I really did care deeply for the well being of each student. I had no clue what all the things were that were going on. The Raps. The (I&Me) here forever all those things were just a list of more food needs in my edge of the school... I am so very sorry to each person who was hurt. Like I said I did not know... Now that I do know I feel terrible for each one.. Back 4 years ago I found a site and logged on there as “Cooked @ RMA” I worked there in the 80’s I needed to find work as a young married couple we had moved to Bonners Ferry, and got a house. Hubby and I some how thought it was a great place to live life and so why pay rent if you can buy your own home. However as things got worse I had to return to work in order to help out. Had I known then what I know now I would have never left my son’s in day-care / pre-school to work. After reading the Script I am wondering how in the world this was kept up year after year. RMA was running along very big in this area in 1987 - 1988 is when I started to work for the school, and it just got bigger and bigger. There is again another “school” on site they changed the name of what was “the farm” to Boulder Creek, then they built a new school way up the hill from where the “Ruby Ridge” shoot out the Fed.’s had with Randy Weaver. They called that North West then they did a “switch” and moved RMA up there and NW to the old RMA site. All the while “the farm” or “Boulder Creek” kept on being it’s own school. The YES it is closed (2005)is now again “Oh no!” and the whole operation is up and running again.

However I wonder if they are still “doing all the stuff” they did??? Like I said if I knew then what I know now.

When I worked there I worked hard, very hard, cooking meals on a huge set of wood cook stoves which is easy to say but very hard to do. Long after I was told… “you do not have a job” 1990 I learned the reason I was “fired?” was due to a student who was up-set over how another staff member was treating me, seems the student was yelling about it in a rap. I have also learned that many of the students who have been there in the years from 1990 on ended up way more broken or wounded then they would have been had they just been kicked out of the parents home. It seems to me we cannot trust some “school” to fix someone it is not like anyone is really broken we all have a hard time with the “growing up”.. I know I am having a hard time being an adult..

And…..

Someday when I grow up….

In my world will it will be one where everyone can feel the real love that is all around each of us and never will a child be feeling bad or be beaten down.

I have my own issues from the RMA thing. The people Mel and his wife had left in “charge” up in Bonners Ferry, did me wrong… Back then,

Then when my kid just had turned 18 a student who was going to get out of RMA in a matter of weeks who was only 17 Called the cops and said he had touched her!!!! “The charge was Sexual with a 25 year jail time.”
WE had to prove he was telling the truth sent him to all kinds of testing with Dr.’s and even a FBI lie detector test with a trip to Spokane for that. Well when the court saw the Dr. and report from the lie detector the charge was dropped to “simple assult”… So my issues are what they are.. I just have to remember that what comes around goes around in the world how it is today. I never wished a bad thing on another person. I really did care deeply for the well being of each student. I had no clue what all the things were that were going on. The Raps. The (I&Me) here forever all those things were just a list of more food needs in my edge of the school… I am so very sorry to each person who was hurt. Like I said I did not know…

Now that I do know I feel terrible for each one..

]]> Comment on ICC Investigation: Thalidomide For Black Orphans by Liam http://liamscheff.com/daily/2007/02/21/icc-investigation-thalidomide-for-black-orphans/#comment-8307 Liam Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:38:27 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2007/02/21/icc-investigation-thalidomide-for-black-orphans/#comment-8307 Thalidomide, recycled: http://www.aegis.com/factshts/network/simple/thalid.html http://www.aegis.com/pubs/atu/1995/ATU3101.html http://aidsnews.blogspot.com/2008/05/thalidomide-helps-hiv-related-colitis.html Isn't it just wondrous? Maybe Zyklon gas can be brought back too. Leave it to the drug pushers of the world, safe in their industry, to sell a poisoned population even more poison. But, you know, "if it helps even ONE person throw up less while they're force-feeding themselves AZT," then it's gotta be worth it, right? Thalidomide, recycled:
http://www.aegis.com/factshts/network/simple/thalid.html

http://www.aegis.com/pubs/atu/1995/ATU3101.html

http://aidsnews.blogspot.com/2008/05/thalidomide-helps-hiv-related-colitis.html

Isn’t it just wondrous? Maybe Zyklon gas can be brought back too. Leave it to the drug pushers of the world, safe in their industry, to sell a poisoned population even more poison. But, you know, “if it helps even ONE person throw up less while they’re force-feeding themselves AZT,” then it’s gotta be worth it, right?

]]> Comment on ICC Investigation: Thalidomide For Black Orphans by Star Z http://liamscheff.com/daily/2007/02/21/icc-investigation-thalidomide-for-black-orphans/#comment-8306 Star Z Mon, 25 Aug 2008 20:47:34 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2007/02/21/icc-investigation-thalidomide-for-black-orphans/#comment-8306 LS I don't get it. Thalidamide is no money spinner. It's patent aught to have expired by now? Would it be a way to turn the kids of poz mums into cripples to propagate the myth? Thats too diabolical. It can't be true. SZ LS I don’t get it. Thalidamide is no money spinner. It’s patent aught to have expired by now? Would it be a way to turn the kids of poz mums into cripples to propagate the myth? Thats too diabolical. It can’t be true.

SZ

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - Cedu Raps and the Synanon Game by Heather http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8295 Heather Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:37:38 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8295 Sorry... one more thing... he also started and ran a CEDU specific escort service in the end. I think it's in the article you posted. Sorry… one more thing… he also started and ran a CEDU specific escort service in the end.

I think it’s in the article you posted.

]]> Comment on Cedu Documentary - Cedu Raps and the Synanon Game by Heather http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8294 Heather Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:36:38 +0000 http://liamscheff.com/daily/2008/08/22/cedu-documentary-cedu-raps-and-the-synanon-game/#comment-8294 Ahhh.. yes.. and the "Bill Lane connection" .. I think I posted something like that a few months back on your blog. He was like a "father" to me at CEDU. He took care of me... if I were in a mofia. Ahhh.. yes.. and the “Bill Lane connection” .. I think I posted something like that a few months back on your blog.

He was like a “father” to me at CEDU. He took care of me… if I were in a mofia.

]]>